Love to love you. Baby.

Popjustice is a reliably bonkers website. If you can get to the end of the About section without smashing your screen, well done.

When Popjustice tweeted this...

... I clicked on the link. Before you do:

Imagine you are 18 years old and your grandfather, who has dropped by for the weekend, says:

"Remember when we made the newspaper front pages, thirty five years ago, because they heard we had stumbled across the ability to turn base metal into gold? Well, we didn't. We failed. We tried, and we nearly did it. The results were very impressive. But, essentially, we failed."

And you nod, and you say (because, in my mind, you are Peter the Goatherd from the Heidi books) "Yes Grandpa. I wasn't alive then, but I remember that's what made you famous around the world, and brought you the riches you have kindly bestowed upon this family."

"That's right." says your Grandpa, "That's right..."

He beckons you over, and his voice drops. "Last night... for the first time... we got the formula to work..."

You stop, wide-eyed with amazement.

"It isn't all that different. It's just... thirty-five years ago... we didn't have the tools to do what we are doing now..."

You stare at him, wondering what is going to happen next.

"I want you to tell me what you think of this..." he says, opening a box he has set down in front of you.

F*** my old boots. There is magic coming out of that sound system. Magic.

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Christian O'Connell Edinburgh comedy show "radio" review

Christian O'Connell has been getting good reviews (Chortle: "a decent fist", The Independent: "solid", The List: "moments of genius") for his Edinburgh show, which runs for another couple of weeks. There is also a wonderful interview with him in The Stage, which is revealing and rather touching.

Here is the "radio-skewed" review of his set I sent to RadioToday, which they said they'd run and don't seem to have done. Seems a shame to waste it. If you're really bored you can see how it compares to the review of the same show I wrote for the Dorking Advertiser.

Okay, RadioToday review follows:

"Being funny on the radio is a very different discipline to being funny on stage - but with this set Christian O'Connell proves he can do both.

Christian's one-hour Edinburgh show inhabits the same blokey universe he cultivates on his Absolute Radio breakfast show. It's a world populated by men staring aghast at the encroachment of responsibility on their ever-diminishing island of fun.

The show is based on Christian's discovery of a list he wrote at the age of 13, describing various things he would like to achieve by the time he reaches 40. The list has provided copious material for his breakfast show this year and provides a series of useful jumping off points for his set.

References to the day job are well-handled. He has a routine about teaching his daughter how to deal with bullies at school  ("all you have to do is show them this - my Q1 2013 RAJAR results - and they'll see  my year-on-year audience share has increased 17.6%. So you can tell them I do have listeners…"), as is the what-happened-next story following David Cameron's potty-mouthed outburst on Absolute Radio in 2009.

Other subjects include Kelly LeBrock (with a brilliant one-liner about her former husband Steven Segal), Darth Vader, Ferris Bueller, marriage, fatherhood and online porn. The latter becomes something of a theme throughout the set (I'm not judging) and Christian's stories about hunting through bushes for magazines as a teenager ("in the 80s we didn't have Google - we had to forage") were very good.

The show ends with a listener email (in Edinburgh it will end with a video, which wasn't quite ready for this preview), which is deranged enough to be hilarious in itself, but is then superbly deconstructed to ensure the evening finishes on a high.

It's not for everyone - the woman sitting next to me went long periods without laughing, presumably because she'd never been a 13 year old boy or a 40 year old man. But for someone like me, who was a 13 year old boy and who also turned 40 this year, the material rang true, far too often.

If you like what Christian does on the radio and you are going to Edinburgh, make sure you see this. It's rude, it's honest, it's funny and as the redoubtable Comedy Cottage host Sajeela Kershi said to me after his set, far better than many other experienced comedians.

End note: Christian very kindly sent me the finished video this morning. It's ramshackle and charming and sums up his set, but being honest, I reckon he should finish on the listener email. 

Christian O'Connell is appearing at the Udderbelly, Bristo Square, Edinburgh, from 31 July to 20 August  2013

https://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/christian-o-connell-this-is-13"

The man who saved 40,000 lives

Eli Beer

Every week I download a bunch of podcasts and listen to them at the gym. They are mainly radio/comedy podcasts - Frank Skinner and Richard Herring being current favourites.

I also download (among others) R4's Moneybox, the FT's Banking Weekly and TEDtalks.

TED is an organisation dedicated to getting the leading speakers in the world together to better inform their already very well-informed audience about stuff that is important. I might be right in saying that an invitation to talk at TED means that you are a world-leader at something interesting, and you have the ability to tell people about it in an interesting way.

The TEDtalk I downloaded this week is by a passionate man with a ridiculously good personal story and an inspirationally simple idea. His name is Eli Beer. Listen to his 10 minute talk here:

http://video.ted.com/talk/podcast/2013P/None/EliBeer_2013P.mp3 

The talk exists as a video. But I think you would get more out of it if you discovered it in the same way I did, as a piece of audio, with no preconceptions about this man or any idea what he was going to talk about. It's far more effective.

Why on earth Eli's system doesn't exist in London, I have no idea. 

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Christian O'Connell - Edinburgh show review

The Comedy Cottage is a peripatetic comedy night run by the redoubtable Sajeela Kershi, which seems to have found its home at The Harlequin Theatre in Redhill.

Cottage night is the last Friday of every month, and has a loyal band of comedy fans (known, inevitably, as Cottagers) who have doubled in number over the last couple of years.

I find it hard to get down there, because it's a 40 minute drive away, it finishes late and I have to get up at 4.20am to present the Saturday Breakfast show on BBC Surrey. But when I do get the chance, I love it.

When I heard Christian O'Connell was performing a preview of his Edinburgh show at the Comedy Cottage last Friday, I couldn't resist, especially as Brendon Burns (a previous IF.comedy winner) was topping the bill with his Edinburgh 2013 preview.

I like Christian a lot. I think he's very funny on the radio and you can hear how hard he is working to maintain the quality levels every day. I also like him personally - I've interviewed him a couple of times at the Sony Radio Awards, and found him very good value.

I was originally going to just go along on Friday for a bit of fun, but given I had a professional interest in what Christian is trying to do (and so probably wouldn't fully switch off), I offered to review it for a couple of outlets. 

Getting on stage and doing a routine in the first place is difficult enough, but making it good enough to take to the Festival is another matter entirely. Writing and finessing an performance to grace Edinburgh whilst doing a high profile national breakfast gig will, I should think, have tested Christian's reserves somewhat.

Afterwards I was chatting to Sajeela, and she said Christian's set was far better than many other established comedians' first hour-long shows. I enjoyed it a lot and it felt good to be there.

A more radio-industry skewed review will appear in the eRADIO Radio Today email later this week, but here is the one that went up on the Surrey Mirror/Dorking Advertiser website today:

"REVIEW: Radio DJ Christian O'Connell warms up for Edinburgh

Monday, July 29, 2013 Surrey Mirror

By Nick Wallis

What: Christian O'Connell - This is 13 (preview)
Where: Comedy Cottage, Harlequin Theatre, Redhill, July 26

Dorking's Christian O'Connell has built a name for himself over the past few years as one of the funniest and most committed radio presenters in the country. His breakfast show on Absolute Radio is an an honest, and often hilarious window into a world inhabited by men resolutely refusing to grow up, despite the increased responsibilities of age.

It is this world which Christian mines for his first Edinburgh Festival show, previewed on Friday 26 July at Sajeela Kershi's Comedy Cottage night at the Harlequin Theatre in Redhill.

The show hangs on the discovery of a list written by Christian when he was 13 year old, describing things he wanted to achieve before he was 40.

Examples include playing Bryan Robson at Subbuteo, dating Kelly Le Brock, "kicking Darth Vader in" and having a day off like Ferris Bueller. For men of a certain age, these references will press buttons. It also makes for a very good evening's entertainment.

Although on paper the two disciplines may look similar, making people laugh on the radio is very different from making a room full of paying customers laugh. For an hour. On your own.

Christian achieves this fluently. His strengths are his script and his confidence in his material. His description of hunting through bushes for hidden porn mags as a teenager ("in the 80s we didn't have Google - we had to forage") were a delight, and various meditations on swearing, radio, marriage and family responsibility felt properly honed. 

Be warned, Christian is dealing with grown up subject matter, and he was using the sort of language that would get him carted out of his radio studio before you could say "David Cameron", "p***ing" and "t***" (which the Prime Minister did on Christian's show in 2009, replayed to the audience's general astonishment during the set).

There were only a few moments when the pace flagged, but it was disappointing to find the tone didn't vary much - the woman sitting next to me went long periods without laughing, presumably because she'd never been a 13 year old boy, and therefore unlikely to share many of Christian's preoccupations.

But for someone like me, who was a 13 year old boy and who also turned 40 this year, the material rang far too true, far too often.

If you like what Christian does on the radio and you are going to Edinburgh, make sure you see this. There is no doubt a career as a very successful stand up awaits, if he wants it.

Christian O'Connell is appearing at the Udderbelly, Bristo Square, Edinburgh, from July 31 to August 20"

On the Mic - Surrey Life - June 2013

My last Surrey Life column for a while. Full archive below...

Everybody loves music. If you told someone you didn’t, they would think you were odd. The problem is with radio it attracts people who love music a bit too much.

I was brought up in the days when records were a scant resource. Pocket money would just about stretch to one single a week, and if you didn’t own it, you had to work hard to find it. 

For me, this meant switching on the radio and waiting forever to hear a favourite song, or kneeling next to the single speaker at the front of our tiny telly, recording Top of the Pops on the internal microphone of the mono cassette recorder I was given for my 8th birthday. 

The quality was bad enough at the best of times, but the audience whooping and clapping during Don't You Want Me by the Human League on the 1981 TotP Christmas Special rendered my recording completely unlistenable. Not that it still rankles or anything.

Youthful obsessions with Adam and the Ants, Duran Duran and The Cure gave way to a wider appreciation of pop made in the pre-punk era. 

By the mid-nineties I was working at my university’s student radio station. Britpop was in its heyday, promotional budgets were huge and student radio programmers gathered substantial crumbs. Once I would spend cumulative hours in record shops agonising over which album I would buy each month. Now I was being sent every record by every new band and getting into any gig I wanted for free.

When I sauntered through the doors of my first professional radio station, I thought I knew pretty much everything there was to know about music, and I thought it wouldn’t be long before I got the chance to share my enthusiasm with the station’s listeners.

It’s a perfectly natural impulse. People who work in radio want to play their favourite records on the radio. Listeners expect and understand this because, given the chance, they would do exactly the same. It’s the perennial appeal of Desert Island Discs.

Unfortunately (and this has been a slow learning curve for me), just because I have the privilege of working in radio, I don’t have the right to commandeer precious airtime to inflict my tedious musical enthusiasms on people. With good reason. 

Very few presenters choose any, let alone all of the songs they play, save a knowledgeable few with excellent taste and, often, very small audiences.

The music policy at BBC Surrey is based on selecting the very best and/or most popular songs in existence, sprinkled with a fair bit of new stuff. But you’ll hear as much Bowie, Beatles and Beach Boys as you will Adele, Paloma Faith and Stooshe. 

Whilst it’s extremely unlikely we’ll play anything to scare the horses (unless you are tuned to master horse-scarer Phil Jackson and his new music show on Saturday nights) that doesn’t mean bland, benign rubbish. 

Obviously I’d love to hear more Adam and the Ants. But would you?

****************************

May 2013 - on supermarkets

April 2013 - on The Invasion of the Coffee Shops

March 2013 - There was NO column in March 2013...

February 2013 - on turning 40

January 2013 - why January should be about headaches, mild depression and whisky

December 2012 - on doing more stand up comedy

November 2012 - on stopping doing weekday breakfast

October 2012 - on trying to engage brain and mouth on air

September 2012 - on my BBC microphone

August 2012 - on the Olympics

July 2012 - on being on holiday with three small children

June 2012 - on joining a gym

May 2012 - on making live radio

April 2012 - on being ill

On being asked to write a column for Surrey Life magazine

Leicester, a tale of modern times...

I met a man today in a jeweller's shop in Leicester. His father had been banished from Uganda by Idi Amin in the early seventies.

He told me his family settled in Leicester because Leicester City Council placed an advert in their national paper in Uganda telling Indians they were not welcome in Leicester, and that there was nothing for them there.

The jeweller told me that was why so many Indians expelled from Uganda decided to settle in Leicester. The city must have something worth hiding if the council were so keen to take out an advert in a foreign newspaper actively discouraging them.

"Is that true?" I asked, incredulously.

"Yes!" he laughed.

The jeweller's father, who gave his son his trade, arrived in Britain in 1972 with nothing but £50 in his pocket. He asked his wife to give him all the jewellery she owned so he could start a business. 

By the time he retired he had three jewellery shops on Leicester's so-called Golden Mile. The senior jeweller gave two of the shops to his brothers and the remaining shop to his son. The shop I was in had £600,000 worth of stock on display. They melt down gold in the tatty back office. The senior jeweller is still alive, as is his wife. She drives a Bentley. 

The jeweller's son told me how the trade has changed in recent years. When Leicester had a hosiery industry, the Indian factory girls would come in at the end of the week and buy tiny amounts of gold to wear (and as an investment) for £20 or £30 pounds a time. The owners of corner shops, usually frugal people, would occasionally give their daughters £2000 in the run up to Diwali and tell them to buy some jewellery for themselves.

The hosiery factories are long since closed, and the supermarkets have taken over the corner shops, sucking money out of the community.

The jeweller still sells, but is also often buying scrap gold, melting it down and trading it by the gramme. Since the recession began, the rising gold price has outstripped the stock market and the housing market to become more valuable than ever.

As a result most jewellers on the Golden Mile operate in shops protected by airlock doors, security cameras, smoke cannisters, bullet-proof glass, guard dogs and panic buttons. 

A couple of years ago gangs of masked robbers would regularly travel up (mainly from Birmingham) to attack the shops on the Golden Mile, charging in with axes and sledgehammers to break the glass cabinets.

"People are desperate" said the jeweller.

There haven't been any armed robberies so far this year. The police now regularly patrol the Golden Mile, the shop owners meet regularly to discuss security and the expensive new defences put in place appear to be holding.

"The police and council are taking an interest in our situation because we're the only businesses left round here paying any tax!" he jokes

He is a smartly-dressed man, and, as you might expect, wears a fair bit of gold on his fingers. 

When we part, he turns to deal with something in his shop, and I see how frayed the back of his suit is.

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Internet privacy and the government

There is no such thing as a private email. There never was. I don't understand how people see it any other way.

It's the same as writing a letter. Letters were always the formal expression of our thoughts, and because, when I was growing up, they repeatedly appeared in newspapers, books, court evidence and history I saw them as matters of public record.

You put your innermost feelings (or controversial opinions) down on paper and handed it over to someone else. You have just given it to the world.

Email speeded up the process. To me "send" has always meant "publish".

That's not to say there aren't many hundreds of emails I've sent that I would rather were only read by the initial recipient, but always at the back of my mind has been the knowledge that what I have written takes seconds to forward, or even upload.

It's the same with phone calls. Phone tapping has been around longer than I've been alive. Why do you think your conversation is secure? If it's that interesting, it might not be.

The real debate should be how we, as a society, deal with it, not whether it should be happening. The genie is out of the bottle. We are entering an age where privacy, as we know it, is dead. The rise of CCTV and social media takes this way beyond electronic communications.

You should assume that everything you are doing outside your own house is being watched and stored, as are the people you call up, and the websites you browse. You'd be stupid not to.

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